Re: Funny Pics / Funny Stories

MurielB Mar 13 Jan - 9:22

gerardM a écrit:

Dawn French Fan Club

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much."
The driver replied, "Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver – I’ve been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

Thanks Gérard for the tricky expression I didn't know "You scared the daylights out of me "I have found a very interesting explanation.
https://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=1006021009291

"To beat (or scare) the daylights" out of someone therefore, originally meant to beat or frighten someone so badly that the person's eyes, at least figuratively, popped out. In this respect, "Daylights" was also extended to mean any vital organ or consciousness itself, so to beat or scare "the daylights out of" someone could just as well mean to beat or frighten the victim into unconsciousness or until his ' daylights' were no longer 'living'.

gerardM Jeu 15 Jan - 22:33

Dawn French Fan Club

A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report
that his wife was missing.
Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.
Sergeant: What is her height?
Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sergeant: Weight?
Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant: Color of eyes?
Husband: Never noticed.
Sergeant: Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.
Sergeant: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly.
Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my truck.
Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?
Husband: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and “Bubba” floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the drivers door. At this point the husband started choking up.
Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your truck.

MurielB Ven 16 Jan - 9:22

Gérard, why is men 's personal relationship with their cars stronger than with their wives ? scratch

I can't understand.

gerardM Sam 17 Jan - 22:01

MurielB a écrit:Gérard, why is men 's personal relationship with their cars stronger than with their wives ? I can't understand.

Oodles of good reasons.

gerardM Sam 17 Jan - 22:02

Dawn French Fan Club

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.
After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."
The man leans out and with a glint in his eye said "I've got a better idea, let's pretend we're married."
"Why not," giggles the woman.
"Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket."

MurielB Dim 18 Jan - 21:48

Gérard, everyone !
It is much easier to let out your feelings (raise your voice) than to furnish a rational structure (Improve your argument)

Guilaine Lun 19 Jan - 18:03

Hi Gérard,

370HSSV 0773H

I can get : HELLO but for the other word, I can't get anything.
Can you help ?

gerardM Mar 20 Jan - 0:40

Ghislaine,

Just turn you screen.

V is A
7 is L
3 is E
I cannot help more as it is too rude.

Guilaine Mar 20 Jan - 11:35

Hi Gérard,

I can't turn my screen !!

But still I can read upside down, no problem.
There should be a blank space between 370H and SSV.

It is not so rude, just in the style of Charlie-Hebdo, I reckon.

Thank you for the entertainment...

gerardM Mar 20 Jan - 12:00

About 3 decades ago, we had the same "story" on the screen of new (at the time) pocket calculators ie only digits and it was the result of a series of calculations.
- "S was 5
- "H" was 4

> There should be a blank space between 370H and SSV.
Nope! In the US, it's a specific word (different to the 2-word anatomy thingie).

Guilaine Mar 20 Jan - 13:46

Oh ! I see !
Yes, you're right. Compound words, of course !

MurielB Lun 26 Jan - 11:00

Hi Gérard, everyone
I didn't know what a man hour was and I had to look it up on the dictionary. A man-hour is :

a unit for measuring work in industry, equal to the work done by one man in one hour

Thanks a lot Gérard, it's a compliment for women. I don't think it's true for me.

I wish I were more efficient !

gerardM Lun 26 Jan - 16:20

Yes Muriel, I checked and found the meaning of "man hour".
We use similar expressions in French : heure-homme, mois-homme, etc.

MurielB Lun 26 Jan - 22:39

We use similar expressions in French : heure-homme, mois-homme, etc.

Interesting to know Gérard !

gerardM Jeu 29 Jan - 15:04

Though it's somewhat naughty,
I couldn't help posting this
as it states
important philosophical point.

Dawn French Fan Club

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."
The women start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men here have it short and thin." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here have it long and thin." Still, this isn't good enough so the friends continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here have it short and thick." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here have it long and thick." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left.
Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

gerardM Jeu 29 Jan - 22:37

Bugger! What does it mean?

gerardM Ven 30 Jan - 11:12

Dawn French Fan Club

A man picked up a lamp and out popped a Genie. The Genie told the man he has only one wish. The man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he told the Genie.
“I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a week.”
The Genie granted the man’s wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids,
Set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches,
Drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners
And stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping,
Then drove home to put away the groceries,
Paid the bills and balanced the checkbook.
He cleaned the cat’s litter box and bathed the dog.
Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor.
Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.
Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework,
Then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.
After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.
At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren’t finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning the Genie,out of curiosity appeared to find out how it was.”I don’t know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife’s being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back.”
The Genie replied, “I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.
You’ll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night.”

MurielB Ven 30 Jan - 21:18

A man is talking to God.

The man: "God, how long is a million years?"
God: "To me, it's about a minute."
The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God: "To me it's a penny."
The man: "God, may I have a penny?"
God: "Wait a minute."

gerardM Dim 1 Fév - 14:26

Dawn French Fan Club

Bored Husband
A wife insisted that her recently retired Deputy Sheriff husband accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.
Equally, unfortunately, the wife is like most women; she loved to browse, leaving her newly retired husband time to roam the store "unsupervised."
She received the following letter from Target describing certain events over the past several months:
Dear Mrs. Porter,
Over the past several months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Porter are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras and eye-witnesses.
#1 June 15th:
Took 27 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in several elderly customer's carts when they weren't looking.
#2 July 2:
Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
#3 July 7:
Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
#4 July 19:
Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code Brown in Housewares. Get on it right away."
#5 August 4:
Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a box of donuts on layaway.
#6 August 14:
Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.
#7 August 15:
Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in to sing "Camp fire songs" if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.
#8 August 23:
When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
#9 September 4:
Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
#10 September 10:
While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the anti-depressants were.
#11 October 3:
Darted around the store and vaulted over counters suspiciously, while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
#12 October 6:
In the auto department, he practiced his "Lady Ga Ga" impression by using different sized funnels and singing, "Born this way."
#13 October 18:
Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, he whispered, "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
#14 October 21:
When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"
#15 October 14:
Placed fake severed hand from Halloween aisle under bag of frozen food in grocery department.
And last, but not least.
#16 November 3rd
Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"
Sincerely,
Target Customer Relations

[/quote]

gerardM Lun 2 Fév - 15:31

Dawn French Fan Club

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, "Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?"
"We can't chew them because we have no teeth," she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"
The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."

MurielB Lun 2 Fév - 15:39

Gerard it's a bit disgusting isn't it ?
Here's another one :
A woman came home to find her retired husband waving a rolled up newspaper round his head. Wife: 'What are you doing dear?' Husband: 'Swatting flies - I got 3 males and 2 females' Wife: 'How on earth do you know which gender they were?' Husband: 'Easy - 3 were on the beer, and the other 2 were on the phone.'

MurielB Mar 3 Fév - 13:50

Gérard, everyone !
I have also had a very busy day converting oxygen to carbon dioxide ! In my head I might not be so busy ! Very Happy

gerardM Mar 3 Fév - 13:51

Dawn French Fan Club

On reaching his plane seat, a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!"
The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.
When this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot drains its glass and bawls, "And get me another whisky you idiot."
Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky, but still no coffee.
Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man tries the parrot's approach: "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you."
The next moment, both he and the parrot were wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards.
Plunging downwards, the parrot turns to him and says: "For someone who can't fly, you complain too much!"

MurielB Mar 3 Fév - 13:54

Yes it is better to complain when you can fly !

gerardM Mar 3 Fév - 22:28