Re: Dawn French Fan Club 2

gerardM Mer 30 Déc - 16:18

There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The woman's face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was so thin. The husband then donated some of his skin... However, the only place suitable to the doctor was from his buttocks. The husband requested that no one be told of this, because after all this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before! All her friends and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful beauty!
She was alone with her husband one day and she wanted to thank him for what he did. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me! There is no way I could ever repay you."
He replied, "Oh don't worry, Honey, I get plenty thanks enough every time your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!"

gerardM Jeu 31 Déc - 15:16

gerardM Jeu 31 Déc - 15:24

A man in Tesco tries to buy half a cauliflower. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole cauliflowers. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some prat out there wants to buy half a cauliflower."
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"
"Liverpool, sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Liverpool?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and footballers up there."
"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Liverpool."
"You're kidding?" replied the boy. "Who did she play for?"

gerardM Ven 1 Jan - 18:17

gerardM Ven 1 Jan - 19:00

gerardM Ven 1 Jan - 19:19

gerardM Ven 1 Jan - 22:45

gerardM Sam 2 Jan - 20:27

gerardM Sam 2 Jan - 23:02

gerardM Dim 3 Jan - 10:30

gerardM Dim 3 Jan - 19:09

gerardM Dim 3 Jan - 20:52

gerardM Dim 3 Jan - 23:51

gerardM Dim 10 Jan - 15:40

Pat and Mick decide to apply for jobs at a mine that had opened nearby. After sitting in the waiting room for a while, Pat gets called in for his interview.
The boss asks Pat if he had worked underground mines before, and Pat replies, "Yes, of course I have."
The boss asks him how deep under ground he worked, and Pat says, "Oh, about 8 to 10 feet." The boss says, "Mines are a lot deeper than that; get out of here - you're no miner!"
On his way out, Pat tells Mick to tell the boss that he worked real deep underground so he could get the job.
Mick gets called in. The boss asks Mick if he had worked underground mines before, to which Mick says, "Oh sure."
The boss asks how deep underground he worked, and Mick says, "I used to work in a mine 20,000 feet underground."
The boss says, "20,000 feet, wow! That is incredible! What kind of lights did you use in a mine so deep underground?"
Mick says, "Oh, I didn't need lights, I worked on the day shift!"

gerardM Dim 10 Jan - 22:11

gerardM Mar 12 Jan - 19:45

gerardM Mar 12 Jan - 19:55

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"
"Of course. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvellous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father." Next!

MurielB Mar 12 Jan - 21:32

Indeed, Gérard, intelligence can sort out everything ! Very Happy

gerardM Mer 13 Jan - 21:49

A Scotsman, drinking in a Havana bar, saw a man with a large black beard enter. He ordered a drink, the bartender served him, he drank it, and then started to leave.
The bartender said, "Hey! Aren't you going to pay for that drink?"
The man said, "Excuse me? Castro's Army!" and walked out.
A few minutes later, the Scotsman saw another man with a large black beard enter, order a drink, drink it, and start to leave. The bartender said, "Hey! Aren't you going to pay for that?"
The man said, "Excuse me? Castro's Army!" and walked out.
When the Scotsman finished his drink, he started to leave and the bartender said, "Hey! Aren't you going to pay for those drinks?"
The Scotsman said, "Excuse me? Castro's Army!"
The bartender looked him over. "Where's your black beard?"
The quick thinking Scotsman hoisted up his kilt and said, "Secret Service!"

gerardM Jeu 14 Jan - 10:53

gerardM Jeu 14 Jan - 15:10

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came.
Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.
"It's a period," reported Johnnie.
"Well I can see that," she said, "But what is so exciting about a period?"
"Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."

Hope you understand.

gerardM Jeu 14 Jan - 15:18