Dawn French Fan Club 2

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing."
The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.
After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."
The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.
"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"
"A freakin' quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, dude. We quit!"
And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days

A Texan walks in to a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texans offer. One man even leaves.
Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."

A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use (on the average) only 15,000 words a day, whereas women use 30,000 words a day.
She thought about this for a while and then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.
Looking stunned, he said, "What?"

There were these twin sisters just turning one hundred years old in a nursing home and the editor of the local newspaper, "The Distorter", told a photographer to get over there and take the pictures of these 100 year old twin ladies.
One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.
The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa and the deaf one said to her twin, "What did he say?"
"He said, we gotta sit over there on the sofa!" said the other.
"Now get a little closer together", said the cameraman.
Again, "What did he say?"
"He says squeeze together a little!" So they wiggled up close to each other.
"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little", said the photographer.
Yet again, "What did he say?"
"He says he's just gonna focus!"
With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "Oh my goodness - both of us?"

Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician's office. When the exam was over, she shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you..."
"I know, I know." the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy."
"No, that's not it at all." Brenda confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."

A guide to man language
"I'm going fishing." Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
"It's a guy thing." Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?" Means: "Why isn't dinner already on the table?"
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear..." Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"It would take too long to explain." Means: "I have no idea how it works."
"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind." Means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."
"Take a break honey, you are working too hard." Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear." Means: "Are you still talking?"
"You know how bad my memory is." Means: "I remember the theme song to ‘F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses." Means: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"Oh, don't fuss, I just cut myself, it's no big deal." Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I am hurt."
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty good reasons soon."
"I can't find it." Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"What did I do this time?" Means: "What did you catch me at?"
"I heard you." Means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"You know I could never love anyone else." Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"You look terrific." Means: "Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a town he planned to visit on his vacation. He wrote:
"I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"
An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."

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