Jennifer Saunders Fan Club -2-

A Professor's Definition of a Kiss
Professor of Computer Science:
A kiss is a few bits of love compiled into a byte.
Professor of Algebra:
A kiss is two divided by nothing.
Professor of Geometry:
A kiss is the shortest distance between two straight lines.
Professor of Physics:
A kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.
Professor of Chemistry:
A kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.
Professor of Zoology:
A kiss is the interchange of unisexual salivary bacteria.
Professor of Physiology:
A kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicularis oris muscles in the state of contraction.
Professor of Dentistry:
A kiss is infectious and antiseptic.
Professor of Accountancy:
A kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.
Professor of Economics:
A kiss is that thing for which the demand is higher than the supply.
Professor of Statistics:
A kiss is an event whose probability depends on the vital statistics of 36-24-36.
Professor of Philosophy:
A kiss is the persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth and homage for the old.
Professor of English:
A kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction; it is more common than proper; it is spoken in the plural; and it is applicable to all.
Professor of Engineering:
Uh, What? I'm not familiar with that term.

School Answering Machine
Hello!
You have reached the automated answering service of your child's school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all options before making a selection:
To stretch the truth about why your child is absent, Press 1.
To make excuses for why your child did not do homework, Press 2.
To complain about what we do, Press 3.
To cuss out staff members, Press 4.
To ask why you didn't get needed information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and bulletins sent home with your child, Press 5.
To request another teacher for the third time this year, Press 6.
To complain about school bus transportation, Press 7.
To complain about school lunches, Press 8.
To argue about documented test results, Press 9.
If you want us to raise your child, Press 0.
If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable/responsible for his/her own behavior, classwork, homework, and that it's not the teachers fault for your child(ren)'s lack of effort... Hang up and have a nice day!

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded to go, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.
The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3'." When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" the medicine man responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
The man was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he quickly took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes as she asked "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

Supposedly a True Story -- Author unknown
An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him.
He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. "I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.
Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."

A husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage.
The counselor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on.
Finally, the counselor gets up, walks around the desk, embraces the wife and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze.
The counselor turns to the husband and says, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"
The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."