Funny Pics / Funny Stories

Staying Alive is Not Enough



No One is Coming to Save You
By Jason Demakis You are 100% responsible for yourself, your actions, and the consequences of those actions – no matter if: 1. your behavior is positiv
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Just for Jokes and Fun

A woman walks into an undertakers to see her husband laid out. She says: "I wish he wasn't in his black suit. He looks so much better in blue. Couldn't you get him changed?"
The undertaker responds: "OK, give me 15 minutes."
She comes back to find two coffins, one with a man in a blue suit, one with a man in black.
"Goodness me," she says, "that was quick".
The undertaker responds: "It was easy. I just swapped their heads around".

Dawn French Fan Club

An Englishman, Scotsman and an Irishman are all stranded on an island. They’ve been there for years, when one day the Englishman finds a lamp buried in the sand. He starts to polish it and out pops a genie.
Oh, thank you master says the genie, I will grant you each one wish!
The Englishman says… Oh how I’d love to be at Lords sipping a Gin and Tonic, watching the cricket. Big flash, cloud of smoke and he’s gone!
The Scotsman says… see you jimmy, I wish I was at Hampden Park with a few mates watching the football. Big flash , cloud of smoke and he’s gone!
The Irishman says “Bejesus its gonna be awful lonely here without them, can you bring them back”????

There're several mistakes in this text.
Will you find them out?

Dawn French Fan Club

I could listen to them all 

Dad Caught His Twins In A “Conversation” That Left Him In Awe.
He catches them in the midst of what seems to be a very meaningful conversation, where a multitude of emotions are on display.
VIRALVIDEOSGALLERY.COM

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner. The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.
The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.
Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red. Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time. To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.
The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"
The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV, it's a microwave!"

Dawn French Fan Club

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner. This is her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot.
Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women's feet, and said in a rather stern voice, "Ginger!"
The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.
The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit, Ginger!"
Once again the woman smiled and thought, "Yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing.
Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit, Ginger, get away from her before she shits on you!"

Dawn French Fan Club

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London.
The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well-dressed middle-aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"
The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.
Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."
The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"
The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up: "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."