Re: Dawn French Fan Club

gerardM Mar 24 Fév - 14:15

80,000 blondes meet in the Kansas City Chiefs Stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention.
The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"
A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"
After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!"
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"
The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the worldwide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance."
So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"
After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?"
The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened, the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"
The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?"
The girl closes her eyes, and, after a whole minute, eventually says, "Four?"
Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream... "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"

MurielB Mar 24 Fév - 21:33

Hi Gerard ! everyone !
It's so nice when people have a touch of fancy ! When there is no beauty or frivolity in their lives, it's so sad ! Sad

gerardM Ven 27 Fév - 14:09

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife "Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!"
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer.
"What the Hell is this??" he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.
"April," he hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"
She replied with a snicker..."It's not talcum powder... It's 'Miracle Grow'"

gerardM Ven 27 Fév - 15:04

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"
She calls on little Johnny. He replies, "None, they all fly away with the first gun shot."
The teacher replies "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then Little Johnny says "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucking the cone."
To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on,... but I like your thinking."

gerardM Sam 28 Fév - 18:35

There was a group of women at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband.
The women were asked, ‘How many of you love your husbands?’ All women raised their hands.
Then they were asked, ‘When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?’ Some women answered today, some yesterday, some didn’t remember.
The women were then told to take their phones and send the following text: 'I love you, sweetheart.'
Then the women were told to exchange phones and read the responding text messages. Here are some of the replies.
1. Who is this?
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick?
3. I love you too.
4. What now? Did you crash the car again?
5. I don’t understand what you mean?
6. What did you do now? I won’t forgive you this time.
7. ?!?
8. Don’t beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don’t tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
11. I asked you not to drink anymore. I’ll leave if you are tired of me.

gerardM Dim 1 Mar - 12:46

Fred feared his wife Rhonda wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
"Here's what you do," said the Doctor. "Stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
No response.
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Rhonda, what's for dinner?" Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again there is no response..
So he walks right up behind her. "Rhonda, what's for dinner?"
"For the FIFTH time Fred, CHICKEN!!"

gerardM Mar 3 Mar - 14:41

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years.
One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.
The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
The card read: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."

MurielB Mar 3 Mar - 21:20

Hi Gérard, with the following test you can check if you are pregnant with twins or not.

The blonde had been married about a year when one day the she came running up to her husband jumping for joy.

Not knowing how to react, the husband started jumping up and down along with
her. "Why are we so happy?" he asked.

She said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!"

"Great" he said, "tell me what you're so happy about."

She stopped breathless from all the jumping up and down. "I'm pregnant!" she gasped.

The husband was ecstatic as they had been trying for a while. He grabbed her, kissed her, and started telling her how wonderful it was, and that he couldn't be happier.

Then she said "Oh, honey there's more."

"What do you mean more?", he asked.

"Well we are not having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!"

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked her how she knew.

"It was easy" she said, "I went to the pharmacy and bought the 2 pack home pregnancy test kit and both tests came out positive!"

gerardM Mer 4 Mar - 19:21

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.
The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes a routine until one late evening, the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man. "Same for me," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "that will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

gerardM Jeu 5 Mar - 19:59

Three little ducks go into a bar.
"Hello, what's your name?" the bartender asks the first duck.
"Huey," he replies.
"How's your day been, Huey?" the bartender asks.
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" smiles Huey.
"That's nice," says the bartender, turning to the second duck. "Hi, and what's your name?"
"Dewey," comes the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey?" asks the bartender.
"Great. I've had a ball, too. Been in and out of puddles all day, as well. What more could a duck want?"
The barman turns to the third duck and says: "So, you must be Louie?"
"No," she says, batting her eyelashes. "My name is Puddles."

MurielB Ven 6 Mar - 15:52

Gérard, I am sorry but I didn't pick what was funny in the story ! scratch

gerardM Ven 6 Mar - 22:22

Hi Muriel,

Several things you might have missed:
- Huey, Dewey, and Louie are Donald Duck's nephews
- might be quite natural for ducks to play in puddles except that... we learn Puddles is in fact the female 3rd duck and being in and out of puddles gets a different meaning: I do hope Puddles had a wonderful day too with 2 lovers.
I reckon this story would be liked by kids.

In addition, "Had a ball" would make an American think of having sex.

So, in the first part of the story, a listener would think Huey and Dewey had an innocent and normal day when they state: had a ball, been in and out of puddles; with my explanations you now understand that they had a very special day.

gerardM Ven 6 Mar - 22:32

Three lunatics approach their asylum doctor with a request for a weekend pass to the local city.
"That's impossible says the doctor. You're all nuts. You'll get lost and never come back."
But the lunatics wouldn't relent until finally, exasperated, the doctor says "OK! If you can answer a simple question, I'll sign the pass."
He turns to the first lunatic and says "What's three times three?"
The lunatic starts counting on his fingers "3, 7, 19, 38?. Is it 128?"
The doctor shakes his head and turns to the next lunatic: "What's three times three?"
The lunatic immediately shouts "WEDNESDAY!"
The doctor, beginning to get disgusted turns to the last lunatic: What's three times three?"
The lunatic thinks for a moment and then asks for a pencil and a piece of paper. That provided, he writes for some time furiously, and finally looks up and says "Nine."
The doctor is amazed, but true to his word he begins filling out the pass. As he's writing he says "This is incredible, you've always been thoroughly insane. How'd you do it?"
The lunatic responds, "Oh, it was easy, I divided 128 by Wednesday!"

gerardM Sam 7 Mar - 20:23

There was a lady in her 90s who became a sort of local celebrity because she had recently gotten married. The local news station decided to interview her. The interviewer asked questions like how it was to be a newlywed in her 90s.

"This isn't my first husband, so it's not much different than the others," she replied with a smile.

"Oh? How many husbands have you had?" the interviewer inquired.

"This one will be my fourth," she replied.
"I was married in my 20s to a banker, then in my 40s to a circus performer. After that I married a preacher."
"What does your current husband do?"
"Oh, he's a funeral director."
The interviewer laughed and then asked how she came to marry these men from such different backgrounds and personalities.
"It always made sense to me," she replied. "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

gerardM Dim 8 Mar - 19:19

A little boy comes down for breakfast and his mother asks if he had done his chores. “Not yet,” says the little boy.
His mother tells him that until he completes them, he won't be getting any breakfast.
Well, he's a little angry, so he goes to feed the chickens and kicks one. He goes to feed the cows, and kicks a cow as well. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. “How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks.
“Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk.”
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat half way across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile and says, “Are you going to tell him, or shall I?”

MurielB Dim 8 Mar - 21:35

gerardM a écrit:Hi Muriel,

Several things you might have missed:
- Huey, Dewey, and Louie are Donald Duck's nephews
- might be quite natural for ducks to play in puddles except that... we learn Puddles is in fact the female 3rd duck and being in and out of puddles gets a different meaning: I do hope Puddles had a wonderful day too with 2 lovers.
I reckon this story would be liked by kids.

In addition, "Had a ball" would make an American think of having sex.

So, in the first part of the story, a listener would think Huey and Dewey had an innocent and normal day when they state: had a ball, been in and out of puddles; with my explanations you now understand that they had a very special day.

Thanks a lot for explaining, Gérard !

gerardM Dim 8 Mar - 23:35

You're welcome Muriel.

Something I've to add: the pronunciations of Huey, Dewey and Louie are similar (it's the magic of the story) - easy to guess the pronunciation of Louie, now use the same "-iui-" for the 2 others Huey (something like Ioui) & Dewey (something like Dou-oui or Doo-ee).

-> (I offer you here one and a half hours of their best cartoons)

-> Comments on the name Dewey

Now I wonder why Riri, Fifi and Loulou in French scratch

MurielB Mar 10 Mar - 8:34

Gerard, I have just read that Riri Fifi and Loulou 's full names are "Richard, Firmin and Louis"

gerardM Mar 10 Mar - 14:19

Good to know hey. Thanks Muriel. I'll try to use this in my conversations to come. Smile

gerardM Mer 11 Mar - 19:14

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian."
He stumbles into the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper all waiting for him. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 in the morning, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh THAT! Well, Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, I'm married!'"

MurielB Mer 11 Mar - 21:13

gerardM Ven 13 Mar - 14:10

A man traveling by train asks the ticket collector what time the train stops at Victoria.
"Sir, we don't stop at Victoria."
"But I have to get off there!"
"Well, there might be one thing I can do. I might be able to get the engineer to slow down the train a little. Then I can dangle you out the door and lower you onto the platform."
"Will that work?"
"It's worth a try."
As they approached the platform, the train is slowing from 50 MPH. The collector hangs the man in mid-air out the door. The man starts running in mid-air. "Run faster! Faster!" He lowers the man and the man's feet touch the platform. His shoes start to smoke! His heel comes off! He's running at 30 MPH. He's made it! He starts to slow down! The other passengers stare in amazement.
As the last car goes by, a hand grabs the man by the shirt collar and lifts the man right back into the train! As he's helped back on the train the gent who picked him up says, "Man you're lucky I was here to help! This train doesn't even STOP at Victoria!"A

gerardM Sam 14 Mar - 22:34

I assume Dawn French wants to piss me off writing "of" instead of "off"! Wink

gerardM Sam 14 Mar - 22:38

Two rather old retired racehorses are in a bar getting totally drunk.
After about two hours, the first racehorse says: "You know... when I was a young racehorse... from one hundred starts, I won (hic) 90 races, got 5 seconds and 5 thirds... I am without doubt the greatest racehorse that ever lived..."
In response to this and approximately a half an hour later, the second racehorse responded, "Oh yeah... when I was a young racehorse... from one hundred starts, I won (hic) 95 races, got 2 seconds and 3 thirds... I am the greatest racehorse that ever lived..."
Now it was about this time that the bartender, a greyhound, decided that they were drunk enough so he said, "I am sick of you two telling one another how great you are, you are both drunk and I am throwing you out of the bar, but before I do, I want to let you know that when I was a young greyhound, from one hundred starts, I won 100 races, no seconds and no thirds."
The two racehorses were shocked and for 5 minutes sat with their mouths open until the fist racehorse finally said, "Isn't that amazing (hic)... a talking greyhound!"

gerardM Lun 16 Mar - 1:14

A police officer pulls over a car full of nuns. The cop says, “Sister, the speed limit on this highway is 55 mph. Why are you going so slow?”
Sister replies, “I saw a lot of signs that said 41, not 55.”
The cop says, “Sister, that’s the name of the highway, not the speed limit.”
“Silly me,” the embarrassed nun says. “Thanks for letting me know. I’ll be more careful.”
But then the cop glances in the back seat where the other nuns are quaking with fear. He asks, “Excuse me, Sister, what’s wrong with your friends?”
Sister says, “Oh, we just got off Highway 101.”

Of course the unit is mph.