Re: Dawn French Fan Club

MurielB Mer 1 Juil - 21:56

very positive statement ! Wink

MurielB Jeu 2 Juil - 23:22

Of course, the parent who nurtures and raises the children is more important than the biological parent Very Happy

gerardM Jeu 9 Juil - 14:48

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

MurielB Jeu 9 Juil - 22:41

MurielB Jeu 9 Juil - 22:42

A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes,
so I'll give each of you one wish each."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."
Poof! She's gone.
In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life."
Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

gerardM Dim 12 Juil - 9:57

Very good!

gerardM Dim 12 Juil - 9:57

There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor.
The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget. They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. "You might want to write it down," she said.
The husband said, "No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream."
She then told her husband she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream.
"Write it down," she told him, and again he said, "No, no, I can remember: you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream."
Then the old lady said she wants a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top.
"Write it down," she told her husband and again he said, "No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top."
So he goes to get the ice cream and spends an unusually long time in the kitchen, over 30 minutes. He comes out to his wife and hands her a plate of eggs and bacon.
The old wife stares at the plate for a moment, then looks at her husband and asks, "Where's the toast?"

gerardM Dim 12 Juil - 15:26

Jacob, age 92, and Reba, age 91, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Reba speaks up and says to the pharmacist: "We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts, please."

gerardM Dim 12 Juil - 19:13

Three women, two younger, and one senior citizen, were sitting naked in a sauna.

Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The young woman pressed her forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at her questioningly. 'That was my pager,' she said. 'I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.'

A few minutes later, a phone rang. The second young woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained, 'That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.'

The older woman felt very low-tech. Not to be outdone, she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her rear end.

The others raised their eye brows and stared at her. The older woman finally said... 'Well, will you look at that...

I'm getting a fax!!!'

gerardM Lun 13 Juil - 15:33

Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth
This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!

MurielB Lun 13 Juil - 22:17

Gérard that nice quote reminds me of a film from Fernandel "Grand mothers are like mimosa, they don't last ! "

gerardM Mar 14 Juil - 19:27

A woman was leaving a 7-Eleven with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash.
Behind her were 200 women walking single file.
The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said "I am so sorry for your loss and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.
Whose funeral is it?"
The woman replied "Well, that first hearse is for my husband."
"What happened to him?"
The woman replied "My dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two women.
"Could I borrow that dog?"
"Get in line."

MurielB Mar 14 Juil - 22:48

Hi Gérard, everyone !

eyes often tell us which ones are real and which ones are fake.
http://www.viewzone.com/liar.html

We have all met people who were dishonest and avoided eye contact. It has been said that "the eyes are the mirror if the soul." Many people know that their eyes betray their lies. Some try to conceal the truth by wearing sunglasses of looking down at the ground.

gerardM Mer 15 Juil - 22:52

After a meeting several days ago, I couldn't find my keys. I quickly gave myself a personal and vigorous pat down.
They weren't in my pockets. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car's ignition.
He's afraid that the car could be stolen. As I looked around the parking lot, I realized he was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all to my husband:
"I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."
There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard his voice.
"Are you kidding me?" he barked, "I dropped you off!"
Now it was my turn to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."
He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this cop that I didn't steal your car!"
Welcome to the golden years!!

gerardM Jeu 16 Juil - 19:48

Locker Room Cell Phone Conversation
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2004 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$60,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

MurielB Jeu 16 Juil - 21:45

Alternatively you can email and be sure who you are writing to. Wink

gerardM Ven 17 Juil - 15:59

Muriel,
You can also ask Google about "Lincoln and the Internet".

gerardM Ven 17 Juil - 15:59

Two women friends had gone for a "girls night out." They both were very faithful, loving wives... however, they had gotten a bit over enthusiastic on Margaritas at the Rio.
Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in a cemetery. One had nothing to wipe with so she decided to take off her panties and use them. Her friend, however, was wearing expensive panties and didn't want to ruin them... luckily she had squatted next to a grave that had a fresh wreath with a ribbon on it... so she proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls completed their "business" they continued toward home.
The following day, one of the husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed and hung over. He phoned the other husband, and said "These girls nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst! My wife came home with no panties!"
"That's nothing!" said the other husband, "mine came back with a card stuck to her butt that read:
"FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE STATION... WE WILL NEVER FORGET YOU!!!"

MurielB Ven 17 Juil - 21:01

gerardM a écrit:Muriel,
You can also ask Google about "Lincoln and the Internet".

Gérard, Google has just told me that Lincold is still alive but he is in the hereafter watching us surfing the internet. Wink

gerardM Ven 17 Juil - 21:05

He should be tearing his hair out in despair seeing how his country changed.

MurielB Dim 19 Juil - 22:03

gerardM Lun 20 Juil - 22:19

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

gerardM Lun 20 Juil - 22:19

How to shower like a woman, and a man...
Woman: Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry baskets according to lights and darks.
Man: Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Woman: Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.
Man: Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake willy at her making a "wey hey" sound.
Woman: Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat.
Man: Look at your manly physique in the mirror, suck in your gut, look for pecs. Admire yourself in the mirror.
Woman: Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone
Man: Get in the shower.
Woman: Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Jojoba shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
Man: Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one).
Woman: Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Jojoba shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
Man: Wash your face.
Woman: Condition your hair with Cucumber and Jojoba conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes
Man: Wash your armpits.
Woman: Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.
Man: Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
Woman: Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
Man: Wash your privates and surrounding area.
Woman: Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off).
Man: Ensure you leave "special" hair on the soap bar.
Woman: Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
Man: Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).
Woman: Scream loudly when your husband flushes the toilet and you freeze / roast
Man: Make a shampoo Mohawk.
Woman: Turn off shower.
Man: Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
Woman: Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mould spots with Mould and Mildew Remover.
Man: Pee (in the shower).
Woman: Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African Country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
Man: Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the bath the whole time.
Woman: Check entire body for the remotest sign of a blemish. Attack with nails/tweezers/Stanley knife/sander/power drill if found.
Man: Partially dry off.
Woman: Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
Man: Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire self again.
Woman: If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.
Man: Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.

gerardM Mar 21 Juil - 14:31

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer:
"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out."
He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.
On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom's vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: "I thought we had a deal."
The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered: "She made me a better offer."

gerardM Mer 22 Juil - 14:53

A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. He goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.
After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home. His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed.
"Where the hell have you been?!"
"Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."
"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!"
She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You damn liar!! You went bowling again!!"