Dawn French Fan Club

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.
The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink willy. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.
He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society.
"In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink willy also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."
After the curator left, a young man in a Forest football shirt approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"
"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.
"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there are no African-Americans depicted at all. They're just three Nottingham coal miners, and the guy in the middle went home for lunch."

On the ordinary days of our life, you work, educate your children, have some fun, build and sustain connections with others, that is, you live an ordinary life. The question is whether you are mindful during all these things, or you just perform these activities mechanically, automatically. When you are fully alert, attentive, and conscious in the present moment, the mind stops working, the reckless stream of thoughts is suspended. Ego disappears, identity is broken. Only the spell of the moment, the mysterious shine of the Consciousness remains.

Ultimately, it doesn’t matter how much peace we create within, the outside world - which is us - remains in a chronic state of suffering and choas. To the enlightened, it’s like we’re living in Crazy Town. Seriously, everywhere we look we see madness. If we no longer want to live alone in Crazy Town, embracing the love and light within is really only one side of the awakening story. We also need to actively manifest change in the outer world if we're ever going to transcend this madness.

A wealthy man has been having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a postcard, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange postcard today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.

The wife handed the card over and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old.
"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"
"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "80 is the worst age of all!"
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.
"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"Do you have trouble crapping?" asked the 70-year-old.
"No, I crap every morning at 6:30."
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00!"

THE PERKS OF BEING OVER 60

1) Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2) In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3) No one expects you to run -- anywhere.

4) People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"

5) People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6) There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7) Things you buy now won't wear out.

8 ) You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.

9) You can live without sex but not without your glasses.

10) You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.

11) You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

12) You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

13) You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

14) You sing along with elevator music.

15) Your eyes won't get much worse.

16) Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

17) Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

18) Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

19) Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

20) You can't remember where you saw this list.

Man Forgets to Close Zipper in Supermarket. but Never Expected a Woman to Say This.

When your zipper is open, you can never know if you forgot to close it in the first place or if it opened by itself. This seems to happen quite a bit and below is a story of someone who thought he could spin the situation into his favour.

A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down.

A lady cashier walked up to him and said, ‘Your barracks door is open.’

Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.

When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, ‘Your fly is open.’
He zipped up and finished his shopping.

At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady was who told him about his ‘barracks door.’
He was planning to have a little fun with her, so when he reached the counter he said,

‘When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a Soldier standing in there at attention?’

The lady (naturally smarter than the man) thought for a moment and said . .. ..

‘No, no, I didn’t. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffel bags.’

A woman goes into a store to buy a fishing rod and reel. She doesn’t know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register.
There is a store employee standing there with dark shades on.
She says, "Excuse me sir... can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma’am I’m blind but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes."
She didn’t believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said "That’s a 6′ graphite rod with Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line... It’s a good all around rod and reel and it’s $20.00."
She says, "That’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it’s what I’m looking for so I’ll take it."
He walks behind the counter to the register. And in the meantime the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her... being blind he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around.
He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."
She says, "But didn’t you say it was $20.00?"
He says, "Yes ma’am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50!"

On a windy day, an old lady is standing on a street corner, holding on to her hat with both hands, even though her dress is flying up over her face.
An old man across the street sees her and runs over. As he approaches her, he says, "Sister, you ought to be ashamed of yourself, standing over here in all this wind with your dress flying over your head, exposing your paraphernalia, and you're holding that damn hat with both hands. You ought to be ashamed."
She looked at him and said, "Look here, fool, everything down there is 80 years old, but this hat is brand new."

Classic Dawn French… Oh yeah!




When Dawn French Appears As Vicky Pollard's Mum, You Will Find Yourself Laughing Out Loud!
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For those who don't know who Dawn French is: a British comedian.