Re: Dawn French Fan Club

gerardM Jeu 2 Avr - 16:52

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids . "WOW," the social worker exclaims,"are they ALL YOURS?"
"Yep they are all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit down Leroy." All the children rush to find seats. "Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names."
"This one's my oldest - he is Leroy." "OK, and who's next?" "Well, this one he is Leroy, also." The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she is introduced to the oldest girl, named Leighroy! "All right," says the caseworker.
"I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Leroy?" Their Momma replied, "Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' 'An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all comes a runnin.'An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy."
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"
"I call them by their last names."

gerardM Ven 3 Avr - 11:53

A young guy starts as a bartender. His first day at the pub is a Saturday shift that starts in the late morning. Just before noon, a guy walks in and in a thick Irish brogue orders four pints of Guinness and four shots of Irish whiskey. At precisely noon, he faces to the east and solemnly drinks down all four rounds, alternating one shot with one pint. Once he is finished, he pays and leaves.
The same exact thing happens the next Saturday, so the rookie bartender asks the patron the significance of the ritual. “Well,” he relates, “I moved here from Ireland 50 years ago, and I have never had the opportunity to return. My three brothers are still in the old country, and every Saturday night when they go to the village pub, I come here at the same exact time and this way the four of drink together. Each one of us has four rounds, one for each brother.”
The bartender is charmed by this simple but touching ceremony, and every Saturday afternoon starts to look forward to the gentleman coming in. He gets to where he always has the shots and the pints ready so that the gentleman can start the ritual right on time. So one Saturday months later the gentleman walks in just as the bartender is starting to pour the fourth shot and announces, “Don’t bother with the fourth, boyo; I’ll only be drinking three rounds from now on.”
“Oh sir, I am so sorry to hear this. I can imagine it must be difficult losing a brother, even if you hadn’t seen each other for years.”
The gentleman looks at the bartender quizzically, and after a few moments realizes what the bartender is implying. “No, it’s not that,” he tells the bartender. “My brothers are all still alive. I’ve just quit drinking.”

gerardM Sam 4 Avr - 15:34

Two traveling salesmen were riding together across West Texas when their car began to sputter and cough. Soon, it died completely and they were stranded on the side of a state highway with little traffic.
Fortunately, a pick up truck pulled over to help. The driver was a comely middle aged woman in jeans and a work shirt. She told them the closest town with a mechanic was 60 miles away, and since it was past 5:00 pm they would be closed anyway until the next day.
In a gesture of Texas hospitality, she invited them to stay the night at her ranch which was nearby. Then they could call the garage in town to get their car fixed in the morning.
The two salesmen were very appreciative, and climbed into the pickup with her.
Soon they turned into a gate, and began driving through a lovely farm where cattle were grazing behind neatly built fences. As they drove she told them how she and her late husband had run this farm for years before he had died from a heart attack two years ago. Now it was just her running things, and it got lonely out here so she was glad for the chance to have guests.
Before long they pulled up to a very nice ranch house surrounded by a white fence and with a big barn nearby.
Once inside, the widow rancher made them comfortable on the big front porch and brought them cold iced tea before proceeding inside to cook a delicious home cooked meal for them. After dinner they chatted in the living room for a few hours before she showed them to the guest bedroom where they found a comfortable bed with down pillows and a homemade quilt.
In the morning the widow made them an enormous breakfast while they waited for the tow truck to come collect their car.
When the wrecker came, they bid the kind widow a fond farewell and she sent them on their way with a bag of cookies for later.

Soon their car was repaired and they were on their way again.
About nine months had passed when one of the salesman called the other.
"Bob, do you remember about nine months ago when our car broke down in West Texas?"
"Yes, Ted. I remember that."
"And Bob, do you remember that very kindly widow that took us in for the night?"
"Well of course I remember her Ted."
"Well Bob, I have to ask you something."
"Ok Ted."
"Bob, did you slip out of the guest room that night?"
Yes Ted, I did."
"And Bob, did you go to the widow's room that night?"
"I did Ted."
"Did you and the widow make love Bob?"
"Yes, we did Ted"
"Now Bob, this is very important. Did you by chance use MY name that night when you slept with her?"
"I did Ted. I'm ashamed of myself, but I did. I'm really, really sorry Ted...."
"Oh, that's ok Bob. I just wanted to call and let you know that she died and left me the ranch in her will."

gerardM Sam 4 Avr - 15:50

As far as I understand it, "strenght" doesn't exist: we've to read "strengh".

MurielB Sam 4 Avr - 22:19

gerard a écrit:

As far as I understand it, "strenght" doesn't exist: we've to read "strengh".

I am sorry but for me it's impossible ! I am not strong enough !

gerardM Sam 4 Avr - 22:24

> As far as I understand it, "strenght" doesn't exist: we've to read "strengh".
Sorry I made a mistake: we've to read "strength". $C\'est vrai!!$

MurielB Sam 4 Avr - 22:44

Gerard the person who wrote that with strenght must be dyslexic. People with dyslexia can reverse the order of two letters.

gerardM Sam 4 Avr - 22:51

... or their right fingers are quicker than the left ones Wink

gerardM Dim 5 Avr - 12:25

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not rung in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with a main computer, he phoned the employee's home number and was greeted with a child's whisper, 'Hello?'
'Is your Daddy home?' he asked.
'Yes', whispered the small voice.
'May I speak to him?'
The child whispered 'No.'
Surprised and wanting to talk to an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mummy there?'
'Yes.'
'Well may I speak to her, then?' Again the small voice whispered 'No.'
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'
'Yes,' whispered the child, 'a policeman.'
Wondering what the police would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak to the policeman?'
'No, he's busy,' whispered the child.
'Busy doing what?'
'Talking to Mummy and Daddy and the Fireman,' came the whispered reply.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background coming down the phone, the boss asked 'What's that noise?'
'A helicopter', answered the whispering voice.
'What's going on there?' demanded the boss, now really apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, 'The search team has just landed a helicopter.'

Alarmed, concerned, and a little frustrated, the boss asked 'What are they searching for?'
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... 'ME!'

MurielB Jeu 9 Avr - 22:55

"To scare the shit out of people" is a funny expression I will try to remember !

gerardM Jeu 9 Avr - 23:03

LOL
If it's usefull to understand, it's not mandatory to use them...

MurielB Ven 10 Avr - 9:09

Gérard I don't understand the ending. scratch

age supposed to start

Thanks for your help

gerardM Ven 10 Avr - 11:22

Hi Muriel,

People speak about an age when we're old enough to know better (on devient un sage avec l'âge).
This old lady didn't see anything new and asks you whether she's not old enough.

MurielB Ven 10 Avr - 16:34

gerardM a écrit:Hi Muriel,

People speak about an age when we're old enough to know better (on devient un sage avec l'âge).
This old lady didn't see anything new and asks you whether she's not old enough.

Thanks a lot for explaining. It's useful for me ! rendeer

MurielB Sam 11 Avr - 22:08

Hi everyone !
As I didn't know the word "hog", I looked it up in the dictionary and found "monopolize"
I understand the humour better now.

MurielB Lun 13 Avr - 15:39

Fortunately life expectancy is increasing ! Wink

gerardM Ven 17 Avr - 21:47

MurielB a écrit:Fortunately life expectancy is increasing !

Yes and in addition, the guy will be able to get his hair repaired.

The present cost is 1.40€ in France, 0,45€ in Turkey.

MurielB Dim 19 Avr - 22:57

Yes, go back to bed would be another solution ! Wink

gerardM Mar 28 Avr - 22:12

Joan, a rather well-proportioned secretary, planned to spend almost all of her vacation sunbathing. She found the ideal spot on the roof of her hotel. It was deserted and secluded, with a smooth, raised "deck" which received the sun all day long. She wore a bathing suit on the first day, but on the second, she decided that since no one could see her way up there that she would slip out of it and get rid of the tan lines on her back.
She'd been lying there on her stomach for a little while when she heard someone running up the stairs towards the roof. Startled, she didn't have time to pull on her suit, and since she was lying on her stomach, she just pulled a towel over her rear.
"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs.
"The Hilton doesn't mind you sunbathing up here, but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit, as you did yesterday."
"YESTERDAY!" she exclaimed, rather irritated...
"Have you been following me around? And besides, what difference does it make ANYWAY since no one except a nosy assistant manager can see me? I'm on the top floor and I'm covered with a towel."
"Well, that would be true," said the embarrassed little man. "Except for the fact that you're lying on the dining room skylight."

gerardM Mer 29 Avr - 22:10

Seeing Eye Dog

I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the time we took off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was ticked. Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would reboard in 30 minutes. Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight.

I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"

Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs."

Picture this...

All the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with the Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, they also were trying to change airlines!

MurielB Jeu 30 Avr - 22:08

A leotard is a garment, gym, ballet

and I didn't know that word !

gerardM Jeu 30 Avr - 22:26

This word comes after a French guy; I don't guess the French know.

A leotard is a unisex skin-tight one-piece garment that covers the torso but leaves the legs free. It was made famous by the French acrobatic performer Jules Léotard (1838–1870).

The first known use of the name leotard came only in 1886, many years after Léotard's death. Léotard himself called the garment a maillot, which is a general French word for different types of tight-fitting shirts or sports shirts.

(Wikipedia)

gerardM Ven 1 Mai - 18:31

One day, a wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. Naturally, she was very upset.
“You are a disrespectful pig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me! I’m a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce right away!”
The husband replied, “Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.”
“Go ahead,” she sobbed, “but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!”
So the husband began, “Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night. The ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments!
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t wear because I don’t have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t wear because someone at work has a pair the same.”
The husband took a quick breath and continued, “She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said…”
“Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?”

MurielB Ven 1 Mai - 22:38

https://www.facebook.com/MasterIELTSWritingSpeaking/posts/673051106038571

The Dog
Linda Robinson was very thirsty so she went into a cafe. There was an old woman in the cafe.
She was sitting near the door at a table. At her feet, under the table, there was a small dog.
Linda bought a glass of lemonade and some cookies. She sat down at the table next to the old
woman. The old woman sat quietly. She looked lonely. Linda decided to be kind and talk to
the old woman.
“It is very hot today.” she said.
“Yes, but it is nice inside here.” replied the old woman.
Linda looked at the dog and asked, “Does your dog like people.”
The woman answered, “Oh! Yes! She loves people.”
Linda wanted to give the dog a cookie. So she asked, “ Does your dog like cookies?”
“They are his favourite food.” said the old lady.
Linda was terribly afraid of dogs so she asked, “Does your dog bite?”
The old woman smiled and said, “ NO! My dog is very tame. She is even afraid of cats!”
Linda took a cookie in her hand and reached under the table. She put it near the dog’s mouth.
But the dog didn’t bite the cookie, she bit her hand! Linda jumped up, spilling her lemonade.
She screamed, “I thought you said, your dog didn’t bite.”
The old woman looked at Linda and then at the dog. Then she said,
“THAT’S NOT MY DOG!”

gerardM Sam 2 Mai - 16:12

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' rather important to tell ye."
"Of course you can come in. You're always welcome here, Tim." says Brenda. "But where's me husband, Shamus?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ye, Lass. There's been a simply tragic accident down at the Guiness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is gone. I'm dreadfully sorry, Lass."
Finally, Brenda looks up at Tim and tearfully asks, "Please tell me how it happened, Tim."
"Aw, Lass, it was terrible. Poor Shamus fell into a vat o' Guiness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my Sweet Jesus! But please tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, no, Lass... not exactly."
"No?"
"No, fact is, he got out three times to visit the men's room."